Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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