I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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