About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize