Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish I only lived at night.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
