I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
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I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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