I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just found puke in my bra..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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