i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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