and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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