Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
