I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
