i think i have two assholes
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
