Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
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Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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