Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
