and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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