I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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