the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
