so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
