tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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