I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
