i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
