Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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