I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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