i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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