There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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