How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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