I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
