Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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