dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
