I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
