forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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