put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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