look no pants
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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