Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
The air taste purple.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
