I should be sponsored by Trojan
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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