corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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