he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
