where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
