My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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