Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
