In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
