Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
