I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
