What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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