Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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