Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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