ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
