i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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