farters have to be the big spoon...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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