The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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