We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
