He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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