My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
