she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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