Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
